Day 31

OK. A little back-story on the 30 days. On February 26th, I felt God speak to me during our service, saying that it was time to own my calling as a pastor and make it happen. I was bursting with excitement. I shared this with my wife, Amanda, on our drive to lunch and her response wasn't negative, but not affirming either. She stated that she thought someone called to be a pastor would have a better prayer life and spend more time in the word. Guilty as charged.

So that night I shared the days events with our friend Keith. Keith is my wife's former youth group leader who is now a missionary oversees. I greatly respect his opinions and ability to hear from God. Also, he's one who's had to discern his own calling. That conversation was very powerful. Through the prayers and tears, the next steps became clear. As Keith worded it, I need my wife to feel and confirm this calling as well, not just have her passive consent.

This is huge. God doesn't just call a husband into ministry. He calls the family. A pastor's life isn't easy. When times get tough, the only thing that may get you through it will both of you knowing in your heart that this is the path God called you down. Without that, you may battle your wife too.

So I know that God called me to marry Amanda. I can remember the exact moment. I also feel Him calling me to ministry. But without my wife feeling the same, the two callings seem mutually exclusive and only God can reconcile the two. So Keith and I set aside the next 30 days to pray for God to reconcile these two callings. We wanted Him to either confirm it with my wife or to show us that my being a pastor wasn't His will.

Now it's day 31. Where do I stand? Amanda still can't confirm the calling, but I feel even more convinced. Some of the ways God has shown Himself in this past month have let me slow down a bit. I no longer feel like I need to run out and start school or some other drastic action. More just to not be ashamed to say that I'm called to be a pastor and to start acting as such. I'm content to wait on God's timing for me. When He's ready to release me to move forward, He'll show that to Amanda. In the mean time, I just need to be open about who I am and continue to work on preparing myself spiritually for ministry.

At the beginning of all this, Amanda said that I should be praying and reading scripture more. Funny part is, through all of this I am. I love the way God works.

Welcome

God is always at work in our lives. We are constantly on a journey with Him. Just as in any travels, you're always coming from somewhere, preparing to go somewhere else and, don't forget, you are where you are. So many times we're so busy on our preparations that we miss where we are and forget where we've been. Hence, this site.

Back in 2002 I told my wife I wanted to preach. Well, 3.5 years later and I've preached some, led some, grown some. However, I wasn't moving in any particular direction with any real purpose. I was waiting for God to give me my future. 30 days ago, God pressed me to take a stand. It's time to own my calling and make something happen. I was ready to run.

Remember when you were first learning to drive? It wasn't easy learning how firm to press the gas. We'd give it just a bit and the car would barely move. Then Mom or Dad would tell us to give it some gas, and we'd near floor it. That's exactly how I responded. After years of creeping along, God told me to give it some gas. And my heart was standing on the pedal.

Now, after setting aside 30 days of prayer and discernment, I'm in a good place. Not too fast, but quicker than I was. I'll share more about the past month with you in later entries. For now, this journal will just be a place for me to share my experiences, track the changes and, God willing, give me some perspective.

Please pray for me that God will continue to confirm His will for my life and that I'm submissive enough to wait for Him.

This is the journal of a pastor before he's a pastor.

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