A friend in my bible study was looking through her old journals and found an entry from twelve years ago where she was going through the exact same thing as she is now in the exact same way. It startled her that she had been in this place before and had obviously not learned from it the first time. She had recently been meditating on a piece of scripture where God promises to give us 'treasures in the darkness'. So she wondered what treasure she has yet to find in this present darkness. Knowing that she wants the treasures God has for her, she made a choice not to leave this place/time of darkness until she had that which God had promised her.
I feel much the same way. I'm thinking of our finances. Now we don't do poorly. We're able to pay our bills, rent, utilities, etc. But with all God has blessed us with, we could be doing so much better. Instead we seemed consistently swamped with debt, binding us from doing what we want or where God calls us. The numbers may have changed, but I've been in this same place for over ten years. This burden is my place of darkness and I've obviously not found the treasure God has for me.
I would say the root of my problems comes from the need to be liked, and the fear that I won't be. That fear extends even to my wife. I often know the steps we need to take to get financially free, but I fear leading us in that direction because my wife may not like it. If she doesn't like it, she may be unhappy, and if she's unhappy she won't like me. I feel that my job is to help her be happy and I fear failing in that task.
I need to find this treasure in the darkness. What is it God has me to learn? Obviously I think I know, but I'm thick. It takes time.
How does this relate to my pastoral call? Many ways. Having the freedom to serve. Not being afraid to do what's needed. Not being afraid to lead. It's all about the transformation of my character.
