I met with Stu about a week ago to discuss my calling and overall feeling of doing-nothingness. I get frustrated between the forces inside of me. Some want to run out and sacrifice everything to minister to people, others are lazy and like my comfortable life. Some feel that I should wait until my wife and I are on the same page, others get frustrated and feel held back. Some recognize and accept God's love and grace in my life, others feel abandoned and no longer worthy.
Let's take a step back and define pastoring again. I've always recognized that your calling may not be your professions. In fact, it's usually not. Originally I felt I was to pastor in a formal setting, but that calling may be down the road. I recognize the design God has in me, my ability to speak publically, open personality and ability to create metaphores in teaching. These point to a more public, teaching and descipling role. However my shortcomings, procrastination, pride and fear of people's opinions of me really hamper me in that role right now.
So a formal pastorate is not for now, then what am I to be doing?
1) Pastor my wife. As a husband, this is my greatest calling. To be there and help her in her relationship with God.
2) Pastor those in my immediate circle. I can pastor those in my small group and immediate family/friends.
3. Allow myself to be pastored. I think this is huge. I've not been open to, or sought out, pastoring and correction recently. I'm operation alone and I can feel it.
So please pray for me. That God will bring the needed correction into my life and that Amanda and I see Him more.
