So today at lunch I took a walk and prayed. (2nd time in a row. 1 Mile each. Woo-hoo!)
As I talked with Jesus I was thanking Him for the work He's been doing in my heart these past few weeks/months. I realized that I wasn't fully sure I wanted to be changed. For example...
A couple weeks ago I was talking to a friend at church before my men's group. He asked me how I was and I laughed. The first response in my mind was 'blessed'. Ugh, how Christian! I always hate those responses because they sounded so phony and Christian-ese. Super-sweet pastor's wives and over-the-top evangelists say stuff like that, not normal people. But here I am, normal as could be and that was my honest first response. (Now it's become an inside joke, since I refused to say it.)
That exchange really illustrates that Jesus is continuing to change who I am and a very basic level. (And apparently now I'm a super-sweet pastor's wife. Watch out if I start calling you Beloved.) This actually frightens me.
As I talked with Jesus I was thanking Him for the work He's been doing in my heart these past few weeks/months. I realized that I wasn't fully sure I wanted to be changed. For example...
A couple weeks ago I was talking to a friend at church before my men's group. He asked me how I was and I laughed. The first response in my mind was 'blessed'. Ugh, how Christian! I always hate those responses because they sounded so phony and Christian-ese. Super-sweet pastor's wives and over-the-top evangelists say stuff like that, not normal people. But here I am, normal as could be and that was my honest first response. (Now it's become an inside joke, since I refused to say it.)
That exchange really illustrates that Jesus is continuing to change who I am and a very basic level. (And apparently now I'm a super-sweet pastor's wife. Watch out if I start calling you Beloved.) This actually frightens me.
- I don't like the idea of being out of control. If I change, it should be me who's doing it, not God. Which is so contradictory to how we pray. "God, give me more patience." If He just zapped you and gave it to you, I think you'd be just as unsettled as I am.
- Will I become someone I like? Just like I didn't like that 'Blessed' was my answer, do I want to become one of those Christians that I've thought strange all my life. Aren't I already? Will I feel like a hypocrite or maybe decide they aren't so strange after all?
- Most of all, however, I fear other's reaction to me. Like I've said, other's people's opinion of me is a huge issue for me. The fear that I might become a person who my friends and family no longer like has really held me back from letting Jesus do what He needs to do.
So I once again need to stop living in fear, believe and trust God, and know that what comes from Him is so much better than my worst fears.
1 comments:
I really connect with this on a quite a few levels. It hurts to admit that the court of public opinion has retarded my growth over the years. I've moved along in my walk at an extremely slow pace at times through my own fear of the unknown...or maybe not the unknown but the known all too well. There are just certain people that I seem to always adjust my behavior for, even people that would accept me. It's more of a gut reaction that I don't even realize I do with certain people. I'm better than I ever was but when I think of the momentum I had when I first accepeted Christ its hard not to react with disgust at my own growth. Its all my fault.
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