Upcoming Sermon

My friend Jonathan preached at church this weekend. He helped confirm something that's been in me for some time now. During his sermon, he touched on both fear and believing God. This has been a huge theme in my heart for nearly two months now.

He didn't mention them much, and there's more to it that I'm feeling needs said. It just confirmed to me that this is something God has for our church to hear.

This helps because last Thursday my pastor offered to let me share this some Sunday in July. Knowing this is something God has to share gives me more confidence. If it's me doing it, I question a lot. If it's God, I'll go with it.

My preparations have been difficult. It seems that this is so huge, that I can't do it justice on paper. Getting the first little bit down looks so inadequate. It's filling out some now and I think I've got a flow, but there's still more to do.

I try to outline a lot of detail so I get the whole picture, then pare it back to the basics. I find that if I take too much detail on stage with me, I refer back to it too much and it gets choppy. I also go too fast as I move from point to point, instead of living in the moment.

Hopefully I'll have it finalized this week. Say a quick prayer for me and what God wants to do through it.

Chinese finger trap (Rough cut)

I've tried writing a post two times now and each time I'm getting stopped. I have something I want to say, but it's like I just can't get it out. Both times I get a good way in and what I'm saying just doesn't ring true. It seems right, but doesn't feel like truth. I think God is holding it back, keeping me from teaching something that isn't right. Hmmm.

The idea comes from my previous post about the demonic and that the spiritual and physical world are much more intertwined than we like to think.

What I'm trying to get out is that the things we choose to watch, say or do have direct spiritual implications. These can then circle back around and effect us, making the next choice that much harder.

It's a lot like a Chinese finger trap, the harder we pull the harder it holds. You only get out if you let go.

What's holding me up is saying that it's Satan and his demons effecting us. Sometimes it is. However I'm getting the sense that what we're feeding isn't always from Satan, but it's the sin in ourselves. The sin in our flesh is enough of an adversary.

So I've got two big posts in draft which will likely get chucked, but that's just fine. I'd rather have a vague idea of the truth than a perfectly clear vision of a lie.

(Side note. I do like the idea of the finger trap. I may have to play with that some.)

A Whole New Level of Fear

So today at lunch I took a walk and prayed. (2nd time in a row. 1 Mile each. Woo-hoo!)

As I talked with Jesus I was thanking Him for the work He's been doing in my heart these past few weeks/months. I realized that I wasn't fully sure I wanted to be changed. For example...

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a friend at church before my men's group. He asked me how I was and I laughed. The first response in my mind was 'blessed'. Ugh, how Christian! I always hate those responses because they sounded so phony and Christian-ese. Super-sweet pastor's wives and over-the-top evangelists say stuff like that, not normal people. But here I am, normal as could be and that was my honest first response. (Now it's become an inside joke, since I refused to say it.)

That exchange really illustrates that Jesus is continuing to change who I am and a very basic level. (And apparently now I'm a super-sweet pastor's wife. Watch out if I start calling you Beloved.) This actually frightens me.

1. I don't like the idea of being out of control. If I change, it should be me who's doing it, not God. Which is so contradictory to how we pray. "God, give me more patience." If He just zapped you and gave it to you, I think you'd be just as unsettled as I am.
2. Will I become someone I like? Just like I didn't like that 'Blessed' was my answer, do I want to become one of those Christians that I've thought strange all my life. Aren't I already? Will I feel like a hypocrite or maybe decide they aren't so strange after all?
3. Most of all, however, I fear other's reaction to me. Like I've said, other's people's opinion of me is a huge issue for me. The fear that I might become a person who my friends and family no longer like has really held me back from letting Jesus do what He needs to do.

So I once again need to stop living in fear, believe and trust God, and know that what comes from Him is so much better than my worst fears.

Cannot Hold It In.

Jeremiah 20:9
But if I say, "I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot

This is how I've been feeling lately. This need to preach, to speak the Word of God. A need to see others see how Jesus loves them and want to work in them more than they possibly imagined. That God can be believed and trusted.

I'm feeling a deep need to pastor. This is more than just wanting a job, or to know God's place for me. It's almost biological, physical.

I know I'm weird, but this is how God's made me. And remaking me.

100th Post!

Can you believe it?

OK, so it's not as impressive as a TV show's 100th episode. I mean, they only stay on the air if people are watching. Given that this blog goes on as long as I'm willing to pay for it and write, well then I'm really just celebrating my own sense of self-importance. I think that's worth it. Did someone bring cake?

Being that it is a milestone, I should reflect back. However, I did that just back in February. So I think I'd rather reflect on where God has brought me in my journey to be a pastor in that time.

1. I'm learning that righteous living is a calling all followers of Jesus have, regardless of emotions or circumstances.
2. Figuring out church organization and politics isn't nearly as important as helping people operate as the church in each other's lives.
3. Doctrines are important, but only as guideposts in knowing who God is.
4. Having a Father/Child relationship with God is more important than following religious rules
5. God is powerful. He can be trusted to do what He says He can do.
6. I can believe God.

It has been frustrating waiting on God. However writing this list I see that I'm like a NASCAR driver in the pit. God is working on me and to go early would be disastrous.

(Note: I'd like to thank everyone who subscribes and reads. I know it's not many, but I'm thankful that you're there. I'd also like to say a special thanks to my friend Sean who is faithful about commenting on nearly every post. It means a lot.)

Spies Amoung Us

In the late 40's and 50's, the House Un-American Activities Committee, Sen. Joseph McCarthy and a host of others conducted a series of highly aggressive and damaging investigations into perceived communist activities here in the US. (I'll admit, I'm no expert on this. For more info, read this article on McCarthyism.) The fear during this time was that there were Communists and Communist sympathisers living among us, seeking to destroy the American democratic way of life.

Now were they wrong? I don't think so, completely. I think their concern was likely valid, however it was taken to an extreme and paranoia took over. As a local radio host likes to say, the Devil lives in the extremes. To think that there weren't any communists agents here would have been foolish, but we likely took it to the other extreme of seeing them around every corner.

So what does this have to do with spiritual matters, other than mentioning the Devil? Actually, he is the point. Just as communism was a valid concern then and we were right to seek it out, so Satan is real and a threat to us today. We must be aware that Satan and his demons are out there, like soviet spies, seeking to destroy us and our way of life. They do influence us more than we know.

Now I'm not going to go Old Joe and start looking for demons under every rock and in every circumstance that doesn't go right. If my toaster starts to spark, I'm not going to cast anything out. That would be an unhealthy extreme. However the other extreme is to ignore that Hell, Satan and demons are real. We simply need to add this fact to how we view the world.

I could name a few times in my life, looking back through the eyes of Jesus, that I can say with certainty that demons were effecting me. It wasn't a possession or anything you've seen in a horror flick. Looking back, I can just see that different spirits were effecting my mood, my thoughts and opinions. They were holding me in a spiritual bondage that kept me from seeing the truth. Some of these times were before becoming a follower of Jesus, and others were after.

Look at an old grandfather clock, and you see the moving parts on the surface. Most of us are pretty familiar with that. However, underneath, there is a whole new world of ticking, spinning and whirling parts that make that clock go. The spiritual world is like that. We only get a glimpse of what is actually happening. I think it influences so much more of the physical world than we know.

Think about it. Until tomorrow...

Unsettled

I'm unsettled. Not in a Whoa-that-really-bothers-me way. More in a I-need-to-do-something-but-I-have-no-idea-what kinda way. You might call it a spiritual version of spring fever. I feel like I've been cooped-up spiritually for so long now that I'm dying to get out and so something. It's a very real physical sensation and it's driving me kinda mad. My mind keeps racing to try and find something to focus on, but it won't slow down long enough to get anything actually done.

Mixed around in there are the following:

• A need to preach. I've got this message of fear, believing God and living in Him that is just busting to get out. I just can't get a handle on it long enough to get anything down. You've seen bits of it here, but in my spirit it's so much bigger.
• My pastor and I once tossed around the idea of a young adults service at our church. After hearing that our worship leader was leaving, I had dismissed the idea. Now it's back in my mind. My guess says that's related to the item above.
• A friend has registered a really cool URL which has some great potential as a ministry serving small churches. I keep thinking about that. We're meeting Friday just to have fun discussing the idea. I don't expect anything to come from it long-term but God can always do huge things.
• I myself continue to try and grow in my maturity, self-control and better habits. Jesus is here with me so that is huge.
• Our church hasn't had a men's retreat in some time and I'd like to see one again. I'm thinking that having a military chaplain come out and talk could be really encouraging, but I have no clue where to start with that one. My neighbor is Navy Reserve. He might be a starting point.
• I have family members who I think I need to write to. One was a letter asking forgiveness for my past attitudes and that I did write. That went well. Two more are letters to challenge them spiritually. Those are harder, but I need to be obedient.

I'm telling you, it's hard to get it all straight. LORD, organize my mind. If only in small bursts. Give me clarity to know what is of you and what is not.

Two small points. First is that the first point up there could be one person's entire ministry. Maybe that's what I'm feeling?

Second, I had our church Elders pray for me a couple Sundays ago and one said that he felt I should just 'slow down.' "Wait" seems to be God's word for me almost every time. I admit that I'm impatient and want to go! But I'll be obedient. I just feel like a dog, trained to sit and wait for the master's order to go get the treat he just threw.

Jesus Living In Me

Last week I posted that I've becoming more convinced in the importance that followers of Jesus take personal responsibility for their own righteous living. During my weekly men's meeting it finally became real to me. I don't need to wait for God to clean me up or for Him to speak some specific word and convict me. Rather, I am responsible for my own thoughts and actions now, based on the revelation of His Word.

I must point out that this righteous living is not an attempt to:

1. Live holy enough to get into Heaven.
2. Think I'm better than anyone else.
3. Win God's love or acceptance.
4. Live within the rules of the church to be accepted.
5. Clean myself up.

It is simply this. God loves me, accepts me and has forgiven my my sins, post past and future. Our of love and appreciation for that, plus obedience to Jesus as my Lord, I must strive to live my life according to His standards.

So after that conviction, I set my mind to living as Jesus would want. I'm trying to be aware of the fear, deceit, lust, foul language, hardness and pride in my heart and mind. I'm keeping the goal of a righteous life in the foreground of my mind so these sins don't have a chance once they try to work their way in.

Here's the reason I'm posting this. I've found that by wanting and working for that, Jesus is making Himself more known in my heart that I had thought possible. He's keeping me on track, keeping me alert, giving me strength to stay committed and the forgiveness immediately when I fail so as not to give up.

Jesus is real and active in my life. Is He in yours?

Living in the light.

1 John 1:5-10
Walking in the light

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us
from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

I can't tell you how important I'm coming to realize that living in the light is. We spend so much of our lives living in darkness, in secret. It's all a part of our society. There's this image that we think we're all supposed to live up to, so we hide who we are our of the fear that we won't be accepted. We hide everything from simple musical preferences to destructive addictions. Hiding this stuff in the darkness is what gives the darkness it's power. The secret is what Satan uses to build those "What ifs" of fear.

Who do we hide from? Well...

First, ourselves. My wife likes things neat and organized, I'm more 'organic'. So if I don't have things picked up, she starts to twitch. So if I've left the office go or have a stack of dishes in the sink, she'll sometimes 'just not go in there.' We do that so many times in ourselves. In the back of our mind we know the mess is there, in the darkness, in secret. We just 'don't go in there.' We know we've got a pride problem, or lust, or a deep hurt, but we keep it in darkness out of fear. We allow Satan to convince us that if that comes out in the light, we'll be hurt worse, rejected and humiliated so we don't even acknowledge it ourselves.

Second, God. Which is the most ridiculous of the three, to think that we can keep anything hidden from an all-knowing, all-powerful God who is the light. He already knows! So the minute you can get past the idea that you need to keep whatever aspect of your life that you fear in the darkness, you need to share that with God. He will accept you. He will forgive you, if needed. He will comfort you and empower you.

Lastly, and most obviously, others. This is the hardest because this is the area that Satan has been building these huge 'What ifs' in. We fear that people will reject us, mock us, stop loving us. We get convinced that we'll lose our job, our marriage, or our kids. This is the power of the darkness, keeping you in fear. So if you want out of the darkness, you've got to tell someone. Confess what ever it is, sin or not, and step out into the light.

Here's the best part. This is where true freedom is. True freedom is no longer being bound by sin and living under fear. Once you step out into the light, you can be yourself, face the sin, receive forgiveness and move forward without condemnation. I don't know about you, but the most oppressive force in my life is fear. To step into the light and face that is more liberating that I can express.

So what do you fear? What do you hide from the world, from yourself or from God? Confess it to yourself, to God and to someone else. Then you will find freedom and joy.

A Clean House

Some time ago, my wife and I were discussing getting a cleaning lady in every so often. No, we don't have an inheritance we've kept well hidden this whole time. But I was working two jobs and she was working late with increasing frequency. If it were to keep up, getting someone in every other week or so would have been a huge help. As it turns out, we never did it. (Talk is definitely cheaper!)

One thing I do remember thinking was that we needed to careful about who we picked. This person would have free run of our house and we needed to be able to trust them. After all, we're all susceptible to looking through someone else's medicine cabinet. (OK, we'll not you or me, but everyone else.) Would I really want someone there who could look through my bills, movies, fridge, etc? Inviting someone into your home like that opens you up to a level of personal scrutiny that is usually reserved only for immediate family.

(Side note. No, I do not think all cleaning people are Sally Snoopsalot. I'm sure most respect your privacy and don't really care anyway. I'm just paranoid, as a rule.)

This did get me thinking, though. As a follower of Jesus, my life should be such that Sally Snoopsalot could spend the weekend there rummaging through every nook and cranny and not find anything of interest. Why would I have a movie or book that I would be embarrassed for someone to find? Why shouldn't my finances be such that anyone could look through them?

We are called to live righteous lives. This means both in public and in private. Home isn't a place where we can have lower standards and convince ourselves that "everyone's like that."

My sister shared with me a phrase that has helped her. "Secrets keep us sick." James said it well too when he said "Confess your sins to one another, and pray for each other, so that you may be healed." Keeping things hidden only gives our sins a foot hold. We don't need to live transparently to everyone, but we do need to live transparently to someone.

New Poll

Quick post to draw attention to the poll that's running at right. I'm trying to get an idea of how many people use feed readers for this site as opposed to just browsing here directly. So please take a quick sec to choose the best option for you.

Alright, who's the line leader today?

I've sat down a few times trying to come up with another post, to no avail. I'm not sure why I can't get the next thing out of my head. There's plenty bouncing around up there right now. Maybe that's the problem. Too many thoughts all jostling around, like kids all trying to be first in line. Among the things are:

1. I'm becoming more convinced that we're called to actively pursue a lifestyle of righteousness. While this seems obvious, my thinking on this has been more 'let God work in His time' rather than 'purposefully driven'. There's also pitfalls on both sides.
2. Worry and fear. Over the last month, God has been showing me this message from multiple sources. I live in fear. I fear what people will think, what my family or wife or co-workers will think. I fear failure. It's paralyzing. God is not a God of fear. Such tactics are from Satan to they keep us from realizing God's blessings.
3. This fear in my life keeps me from performing one of the basic job duties as a follower of Jesus, and that is to confront and challenge other Christians in love. We here in America have this unfortunate social convention of "Who the h@!! are you to tell me what to do or how to live?!?" But as followers of Jesus, we're expected to speak words of correction into each other's lives. Fear of offending, however, has prevented me from doing so when I know it is for that person's best good.

So I may get around to posting more full thoughts on each of these in the next week or so, if I can get them separated enough to develop them. Is there one you want or need to here? Leave me a comment and let me know.

Believing God

OK, so this post is more just me working out something that's in my head. As such, it may ramble on. To those who are wondering how that's any different than my normal posts, I say "Touché."

Throughout 2007, my wife and I felt really lost at church, weren't connecting and really cold spiritually. I remember thinking towards the beginning of that time that there must be something more to Christianity than I was getting. Others seemed much more faithful than I. Many well-meaning Christians would tell me that I shouldn't be comparing myself to others. That if I knew them, I'd know that below the surface many were just as insecure as I was. Rare, apparently, is the Christian who's anywhere near as holy as we think. (That I can agree with.)

However, these well-meaning Christians were missing what I was saying. I knew, in my spirit, that something was truly missing from my faith. I had spent my time learning about God, trying to pray and read my Bible, seeking out His truth, connecting with other Christians and serving in anyway I felt I was led. Yet something was missing. On the outside I looked fine and I can understand those who thought I was doubting myself. Only it was more.

Now, my wife and I are doing much better. We're open to the Lord again, seeing His work and teaching in our lives. We're 'on the mend' as it were. Yet I'll tell you something is still missing.

• I have a friend from church who is leaving his job, home, church and friends to help plant a church. He's raising support and trusting God to provide for him, his wife and daughter.
• I have another friend who, with his wife and two children, is moving to Brazil to work with street children. They don't have all their support but are leaving in just a couple months.
• A good friend has been a missionary overseas in a country very unfriendly to missionaries. On their last return back, they left without knowing if they would be allowed back in the country.

Why do I mention these folks? Because they are living in faith. All of them are trusting where they believe God is leading them. Now these are huge examples, but I know of others who are trusting God for much more normal, yet not less important, reasons.

As an example, one woman is sticking by her husband through a prison sentence even though she would have biblical and very understandable reasons to divorce him because she believes God will heal their marriage. He is. She is living by faith.

We often talk about the difference between believing 'about' God and believing 'in' God. Believing 'about' God means recognizing a set of facts and that He actually exists. Believing 'in' God means we put our faith in Him. We trust God with our salvation and to teach us how to live our lives.

However, I think there's a third option. We need to not only believe 'about' God or even 'in' God, but just believe God.

• Believe that He is really in control of everything.
• Believe that He forgives you daily and that any shortcomings you have are nothing compared to His power.
• Believe that He is faithful and keeps His promises.
• Believe that prayer is the most powerful thing you can do because it connects you to God.
• Believe that God doesn't need you to defend Him, that His Word is more powerful than any criticism someone might offer.
• Believe that He will provide for your needs.
• Believe that any work He has for you will be more rewarding that anything you could come up with on your own.
• Believe that He is God and nothing is beyond Him.
• And most of all, believe that He loves you and puts all that power into loving you.

Thinking back, I think I did believe God soon after I was saved. I'm sure not completely, but even after the first year of our marriage I remember really trusting God more than I do today. Somewhere along the line, I stopped putting my life in His hands. I'm still saved from my sins, but I stopped believing that God could work in my life and in my heart the way He promised. I looked to myself and because more worried about what God had in store for me.

I have because too me-centered. What about my job, my provision, my marriage, my life. The point is to focus on God and believe that He will take care of all that. What does God want done and who does He want reached is more important than how my life will look.

When I first told Amanda that I thought I was to be a pastor, she said "Don't you think a pastor would pray and read the Bible more?" Discouraging, but accurate. It meant that God had work to do in my life before that calling could be realized. Now I think I'm starting to see part of it. I need to believe God.

Time for a change.

Daydream Believer

I have a confession to make. I'm a daydreamer. I share this mainly as a chance for me just to own more of my identity and accept who God has created in me. It came in handy as a kid, since I was the only boy and often played alone. That and we lived in the country so long rides in the car or bus were the norm. Escaping into my own mind was just a form of entertainment to pass the time. I still do this. It's not uncommon for me to make the drive to and from work in silence with only my thoughts.

As an adult, it's something I had come to be ashamed of. It always seemed childish and something I should have grown out of. Kids play make-believe, not adults. I believed that if someone were to see the daydreams I had, they would make fun of me or at least think less of me. And to be sure, some of them are self-indulgent. In some, I invent some new wonderful invention, or pilot a starship, or just inherit millions of dollars. Not exactly scholarly and I'm sure my sisters would tease me about them. Worse yet, if my pastor, wife or other Christians heard maybe I'd be thought of as immature and selfish.

However, I'm beginning to think that there are many more people out there who share this particular personality (I won't say quirk) attribute. TV shows and movies often use the daydream in their plot (Scrubs as the whole point of the show.) Even though these are often showed in the absurd, it seems that the writers must be pretty familiar with daydreams themselves. It is my hunch that many professional writers (TV, movies, books, comics and cartoons) must be daydreamers and they work out storylines in their head. If so, then this ability is something that had been put in them for a purpose and is used to a creative end.

I see that in my own life. Many of the things I've written on this blog have come out of my inclination to get lost in my own thoughts. Sometimes I'll be preaching in my head, a full on in-the-pulpit daydream. What comes out in that, comes out on paper. I've even preached some of those in the flesh afterward. The ability to dream, literally inhabit a new world lets us open the door to new possibilities. For me, it also lets me flesh those out and discover possible problems, pick from multiple options and generate a best picture view of something.

However, it also has a dark side. Just like anything, what God meant for good Satan can use for evil. I can find myself focusing on a story or idea and it distracts from the real world. As an example, I quite playing the lotto years ago because when I played, I'd find myself thinking about winning that money. Problem was, I wouldn't deal with the financial issues I had because that big paycheck might be just around the corner. But the next drawing is always around the corner and I was stuck in a rut of bad choices. These dreams can keep me from dealing with problems in my life and even create new ones.

I bring all this up now because I noticed last week that I had only posted to my blog twice in May. I wondered why and realized that my mind had been off on it's own private fantasy and not on God. Without my mind on God, He hadn't been speaking to me and I wasn't writing. I shared some of this with my men's group. I was very scared they would think less of me, but fear is not from God and we need to be open for there to be healing. So I shared and we prayed. I think they thought I was being silly. However it worked. Since that night, whenever I would normally shift into a dream, I can feel an almost physical block to do so. Jesus keeps my mind from going there, I notice it and am reminded of His faithfulness to answer prayer. It puts my mind on Him.

I shared this with my wife on Friday, fearfully again. She said "Jason, I've always thought very highly of you even if you daydream." Those words really released me from the guilt and shame I had been feeling. There was nothing to fear. Rather, I need to accept the person God has made me to be and use that as a strength while realizing the dangers that come with it. This is true for all the gifts, abilities and personality traits that God weaves in us.

So in spirit of my wife's immortal words. "I'm a dreamer so you can kiss my butt!"