A Holy Ambition

It's strange that this blog was originally intended to keep my calling as a pastor public, but now that things are moving I'm reluctant to share.

There's this strange battle in my heart between ministry and career. In ministry, we serve. In career, we advance. But when your career is ministry, it feels wrong to want to advance. It seems presumptive to be driven. God should open the doors, right? It would show a lack of faith, and worse yet be of the flesh, to be ambitious.

Yet God says that those who desire to be an Elder desires a noble task (1 Timothy 3:1). God does not rebuke such ambition, rather it seems as if He approves of it. The following verses detail out the character of such a man. It would make sense God wants all of us to meet those qualifications, as it reflects Christ's character.

The ambition still remains, however. That's where I'm at right now too. My ambition is to work for the church full time. That wording makes it sound like I'm just out for a job, but it's so much more than that. My whole heart is driven in that direction. I spend my days thinking about how do we retain members, how should small groups encourage self-discipline, how do we keep the kitchen stocked. My mind is bent around organizing the church in such a way that it's members thrive spiritually.

This is making my current 9-5 rather tedious. I can't tell you how little satisfaction I get anymore. I know we are to work as if unto the Lord and I do try. I am grateful for the provision He gives. I just do not understand the fire He's lit in me, yet He keeps me here.

So at the prompting of my wife, who's being very patient with me, I've shared some of this with Linden. At a recent lunch discussing the possibility of my starting school I just came out and shared my dream of being a possible Pastoral Intern. It would be very part time and I would still keep my job, but it would include structured mentoring and development.

At even more prompting, I wrote Linden again and shared that my heart is really to be at the church full time. Now I'm not asking for that, nor do I see it happening in the near future. But I needed to be honest that's what I want.

So for now, pray for me that God will align things, give my heart His desires and open/close the doors that need it.

Also, if you've ever had to deal with balancing ambition/ministry I'd love to read your comments.

Pastoral Calling - The Next Step

So over the past few months I've shared/preached three times. You know, there's a lot of fear that goes into preaching. I burn both ends of the worry candle. On one side I worry that I'll share something that's not truth, or that what I do share will offend someone. Now offending someone with the truth isn't all that bad, but offending them with my attitude or poor choice of words is.

However, I've got to tell you that getting up there and speaking truth just feels good. It's like scratching an itch. There's just this relief. Not that it's over, but that you said what needed said.

Between that and all the other ministry work and discussion I've had on small groups, I shared with my wife that all this just feels right. This really is where I'm supposed to be. I told her that I understood her needing more time before I went further into ministry, but that it really seemed to be time.

Much to my surprise, she said that she'd be ok with my finding out what the next step is. Even if it meant school, that she could be ok while I did that. Her biggest concern is how much time it takes from my being home. I understand that and try to keep it at the forefront of my mind.

So now I'm wondering what to do. I've written my pastor and we've discussed some schooling options. We'll meet this week to talk more. Our conference is very local church focused, so unlike larger mainline denominations, there isn't really a set development path for those who feel called into ministry. Now I think they take it too far and it becomes a bit too 'career' minded. I do, however, find that I need a bit more structure than we provide. Hopefully we can come up with a good middle ground.

So pray for me this week that God will open some doors and shed a bit of light on the next step in the path.

Busy August

Here's an update on what's been going on with me. At the end of July, I attended the Xenos Summer Institute. It was a three day conference with a number of good speakers, including Mark Driscoll, Mark Middleberg and D.A. Carson. Wonderful teachers who gave what I felt was a clear message of correction for us as a church.

During the conference, there are also a number of breakout sessions you can choose to attend. Having just come out of my men's small group, Entrust, I was mainly focused on how small groups should work. I really enjoyed it and spent some time discussing this with my pastor.

So out of that, I am now the Director of Small Group Life at our church. This is a new position, created to give more of a focus and priority on our group. I'll share more details about it later, but I am excited.

Other highlights include:

• Gave two sermons, one on fear and another short one on recognising our idols
• Starting a continuation of Entrust with two other group members
• Preparing for our Christmas show
• Switching our email to Google Apps

It's going to get real busy and I need to be sure to keep it all under control. I need to be sure it doesn't overrun my home time.